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  • Writer's picturePeter Tanaka

This is the first day of my life

Updated: Jun 3, 2020

This is the first day of my life

Swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours was the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

And I don't know where I am, I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

And so I'd thought I'd let you know

Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow

But I realized that need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning?

And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed

You felt as if you just woke up

And you said

"This is the first day of my life

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

But now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy"

So if you wanna be with me

With these things there's no telling

We just have to wait and see

But I'd rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time is different

I mean, I really think you like me

This is the first day of my life. I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you. So much of this song resonates with how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been depressed for the last 9 months. Not quite sure if it’s manic depressive low, or regular depression. In October 2019, I was diagnosed with BiPolar Type II. I was devastated. I thought I was a fun loving, enthusiastic, golden retriever ball of happiness. When I realized how hard I crashed, I began to see the world different. I became selfish. I became hopeless. I became isolated. But God was always there, even in the darkness. Each spec of light, was always from God. Thank you to all the people who injected truth into my otherwise darkly muddled mind. It might not have seemed to be breaking through, but it was planting a seed. It’s blossoming now. The truth I couldn’t believe in the moment, is now the truth I can look back and say that God was good the whole time. Hindsight is 20/20. But I truly didn’t think I would ever make it out. I didn’t contemplate suicide, but I did consider destroying all meaningful parts of my life. What if I just destroyed everything I loved? Quit my job. Quit all relationships. Quit everything I love. And become a potato forever. It sounds stupid now, but in the middle of the night, a potato was all I could see. I couldn't see myself as something more. All I saw was my failures. How my educational outreach idea tanked and burned. How I stopped caring about people. I stopped going to homeless ministry. I stopped volunteering at the rec center. I even stopped taking care of myself. I could barely buy groceries, and I was snacking on junk food all day. This went on month after month. I thought it would pass, but it seemed to go on and on and on. The darkness felt inescapable. But since May 21, 2020, the darkness began clearing. Only two weeks of light, but it’s been the best I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Like coming up for a breath of air after drowning in tears. That feeling when you stop running, and finally get a breather. Was it worth all the pain? Why do some runners get a high, and some only feel pain? I believe it’s purpose and drive. A runner who reluctantly forces themselves to exercise will only see the pain, and most likely give up on running. But the runner who resolves to get in shape, and pushes past the pain, enters the runners high. You’ve got to run at least 3-5 miles to get there. It’s easier to keep running than to start running. So I’m going to keep running. I’ve finally been able to pick myself up. I am finally seeing my hopes and dreams again. It’s a manic high, but I’ve learned to manage them to make sure I don’t crash. Medication helps for sure. I’m seeing things clearly. Alice has stood by me and supported me the whole time. When I don’t believe in myself, she is there to tell me the truth I need to hear. This song reflects my life and relationship with Alice. This post is too long, so I’ll put that in a separate post.

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